I used to 1.0

I used to wait for hours for the minutes and the seconds that you spoke to me…

Yo Momma Jokes

Jesus H. Christ. The central figure of the Christian faith. The purported savior of humanity. The main man to 3 billion of the world’s people. And apparently the best battler on YoMomma.tv. It takes a lot of hubris to pretend to be God on a website, but whoever Jesus is, it’s working for him – he (He?) has won an amazing 88% of almost 300 battles.

So with Jesus’ domination over Christianity and YoMomma.tv in mind, I’m compiling the best jokes on the site that have to do with that dude up on the cross. In Jesus’ name, amen.

From Franklin: “Yo momma so fat that Jesus said, ‘Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, render unto God what is God’s, and render unto yo momma some freakin’ Slim Fast.’”

From Imani: “Yo momma so ugly even Jesus wouldn’t save her.”

From TonyStark: “Yo momma so ugly Jesus doesn’t want her as a sunbeam, he wants her as a plague.”

From CabroniBaloney: “Yo momma so old and so tacky, she asked for a take-home box at the Last Supper.”

From SlimKid3: “Yo momma so ugly she doesn’t even have a friend in Jesus.”

From Imani: “Yo momma so fat that when Jesus saw her, he revised his previous statement of ‘No man comes to the Father but through me,’ since he wasn’t sure she would fit.”

And from the Lord Jesus Himself: “yo momma is soo old - she catered my last supper!”

The Word of the Lord.

About MTV’s YOMOMMA.TV  

YOMOMMA.TV capitalizes on the coolest and most interactive aspects of YO MOMMA - the jokes - and puts it in the hands of the users. The site provides a forum for users to engage in jovial joke battles, contribute to a massive catalog of jokes, and create a unique online identity.

The “hot or not” voting mechanism enhances interactivity and draws users in for extended periods of time from their first visit. Even un-registered users can participate!

Yomomma.tv gives users the option to upload jokes in both video and text format so the content is always dynamic and engaging while providing a user-friendly experience. Check it out!

NextOrNot.com

Check out MTV’s NextOrNot.com log on to browse thousands of the hottest profiles on the internet.  The profile that is viewed the most will be crowned Hottie of the Day and featured on MTV!  Create your own account for your chance to connect with other hot people, become the hottest person of the day and earn a spot on MTV.  MTV’s official dating and social connection site for Next.

Check out my own profile on the site, register and give me some points - seconds of your busy life:
http://www.nextornot.com/kookoo
 

Who by Fire Fox?

Forgive me for being myself, I promise to be myself next year, remember me when you find you, I want to finally meet you, I always knew you were in there.

I found your house on Google Earth, your dad looked kind of old, your mom was making pasta, I double clicked your door, scrolled up to your room, there you were in bed, I took off your shirt, I wish I could continue but - Internet explorer has encountered an error and will now close.

People please forgive my unexpected errors, my brain just went through heavy stress testing, my heart is going through rough QA, I promise to debug next year…I promise to debug.

I X Heart

I have no heart - take it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I, I, I love you all, well most of you, well if I love you know who you are, I can’t hide, well I can, but I can’t hide my love to you, all of you, well most of you, well a small group, well only you, just one of you, well not anymore, you know what - all of you, thank you all for being out there, in here, with me, without me, all of last year, most of last year, on my mind, in my heart, in my bed, in my dreams, my tears, my smile, my happiness, my sadness, my life, forever, for better, for worse, it was worth it, one year of my life, you were all out there, in here, I am not sure if it matters to you, but all of you matter to me, and you couldn’t have said it better…

and when I am old, say tomorrow, I promise to forget you all, there is no way I’ll remember you all, you’ll forget me, do you know my name, my Mothers name, my Fathers name, do you know where I start do you know where I end, do you know my fears, pain, my God, I decided to stay one more year, I may extend, I have the option, it’s in my contract, please don’t take me so seriously, but seriously listen to the subtext, there’s no subtext, I SWEAR I LOVE YOU ALL, ALL OF YOU, HAPPY NEW YEAR, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, I HAVE NO HEART- TAKE IT.

Love

you know Love,

you know my Love,

now leave,

because you can’t,

because I am not,

your love,

your heart,

your soul, 

I am so ashamed,

I am so happy,

I am so empty,

I am so sad, 

you are so beautiful,

I am so ashamed,

now leave,

you know Love,

you know my Love,

our secret handshake,

my secret heart break,

my secret smile,

I am so happy,

I am so empty,

I am so sad, 

you are so beautiful,

I am so ashamed,

now leave,

Snow White

Black memories racing on white horses,

requesting help,

requesting help,

requesting help,

White Rose

ignore,

ignore me,

ignore the writer of this prose,

ignore him like a dying rose,

ignore the white lines,

the white lies,

the white noise,

ignore me,

I love you.

Citizen Cocaine

I’ll take you home after the storm,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

white lines in her horizon the sun is red,

come clean,

come clean,

come clean the city with me,

last night,

last night of my life,

last night,

her nose was snowing cocaine,

and blood was pouring rain,

and pain she felt the pain,

I’ll put a bandage on your past and drive you to your childhood,

your smile a melting memory,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

I’ll take you home after the storm,

you can stay under my umbrella,

under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh

Stoned she Stoned

Her nose was snowing cocaine, my heart was pumping blood, stoned she stoned she stoned my heart, lost I found sadness standing in the middle of the street was full of madness and happiness was nowhere to be found, nowhere to be found.

Tel-Aviv of empty streets, with empty people, in empty cars, in empty bars, with empty veins, with empty veins, with empty veins, her nose was snowing cocaine, my heart was pumping blood,

stoned she stoned,
pumping blood,

stoned she stoned,
pumping blood,

stoned she stoned,
pumping blood.

check out Cocaine Naive - same incident, different eyes

Goodbye Fantasy - Hello Cocaine

Drama queen was standing outside of the bar talking on the phone, Fred and I were sitting upstairs, she was walking back and fourth, walking in circles trying to find herself I could see she was lost and was nowhere to be found.  

There were too many factors in her equation and I was not one of them, perhaps I was the answer, but tonight I wasn’t even a thought. She came upstairs, she got close to me so I could kiss her on the cheek, I gave her a long kiss, it seemed as though she was needing it, she didn’t say a word about the messages I left on her answering machine, I said call this number, there is a great job opportunity and you should call, the first message explained it all, but hang over I hang up, without remembering if I left the number or not, I called again, I apologized for being wasted and said that I was not sure if I left the number or not and just in case here it goes, and I gave her 10 numbers that she should press one after the other using a telephone. 

You cannot help people that do not want to help themselves, the other day we spoke about work, I promised to help, I gave her a contact and she was unable to call, not even call me back, which is fine, if she at least tried to move on with her life and get a decent job.  

And so we were drinking Fred and I, same old different day, after a few hours she came upstairs again, she looked like nothing, her hair was messy, she was pale, she was dramatic, she was lost and hysterical, this is what I heared: GUY, PRESSURE, DRUGS, so there is a guy, and he was pressuring her, and there were drugs, and she was getting advise from the manager, and he was trying to calm her down, and than there was this fat fuck, that came out of nowhere the scum of the earth, he took her by the hand, she went to the toilet with him, he looked like one of these people that comes out of the toilet, because he just came out of someone’s ass, in a real world, in a different time, she would have never walked with him to the toilet, but it was Tel-Aviv and it was 2007 and  he was holding her hand, and they went inside, Goodbye Fantasy - Hello Cocaine. 

They came out, she went down stairs, fat fuck was nowhere in sight, she came out of the bar with the manager, he was driving her home, at last I understood, it was very clear, she was not smart, she had no character, she had no life, she had no career, she had no love, she was doing drugs and she was doing drugs, and she was working at a bar, and she wanted out, and I was not going to try and save her - ENOUGH! 

Too many times in my life, I tried to help girls fight genetics, fears, childhood, tonight I say ENOUGH, no more blinded by the low life’s, no more beauty covered with lies, no more going down to find the one, either she climbs up, or I move up to the next level, ENOUGH I just don’t care, I just don’t care -  it’s just air, it’s just air, its just air, I just don’t care ENOUGH.

We can’t find blood in your Red Bull Vodka

And when I went to donate blood they said - Sir, we can’t find blood in your Red Bull Vodka! And I said WHAT? What do you mean you can’t find blood in my Red Bull Vodka? And they said zero blood 100% Red Bull Vodka,  and I said WHAT? And they YES, your blood is Red Bull Vodka, and I said are you sure? And they all said YESSSSSS. And I asked to speak to my DOCTOR, and he said, here have a taste, and I said Dr. we go way back, give me a fucking break, I am not drinking my own blood, and he opened a can of Red Bull and poured in some Vodka, and he took my blood and poured it into another glass, and he started twisting and turning the glasses and said - now taste and tell me which is your blood and which Red Bull Vodka, and I tasted them booth and they tasted the SAME, oh man what a SHAME and he said I KNOW, we told you, your blood is Red Bull Vodka and I said what does it mean? And he said, you have to stop drinking, and I said FUCK OFF DR, and he FUCKED OFF and I set there and drank Red Bull Vodka like there was no tomorrow, but tomorrow came before today, and I had to wake up, and I woke up and drank a glass of water, and I had to kill the pain, so I took a medicine and killed the pain and woke up woke up clean. 

“Don’t sleep. Say everything. Do everything. Now, now now!“

This blog posting was NOT sponsored by Red by Bull or by Vodka

The answers in her shape

The answers in her shape,
in her hunger,
in her thirst,
in her smile,
I lost touch,
I lost control,
I lost I lost it all,
the answers in her shape,

The answers in his shape,
in his hunger,
in his thirst,
in his smile,
I lost touch,
I lost control,
I lost I lost it all,
the answers in his shape,

The answers in our shape,
in our hunger,
in our thirst,
in our smile,
we lost touch,
we lost control,
we lost lost it all,

the answers in our shape - is just a mere escape, life the gift of birth the birth of birth of birth of birth, the answers are inside, don’t hide, don’t smile when cry, don’t cry when smile, just promise me to try, lose control to control the lose, lose it lose it all, fall so you can stand, crawl so you can sit, sit so you can stand, not sure I do, but do you understand? The answers from within, breath in my dear, breath in, close your eyes, listen to your heart, listen to your dreams, listen to your dreams, listen to your dreams…

The Circus

The air was sweet sweet nicotine, a microphone shadow on a yellow wall, red candle dripping tears of blood, the war was traveling to the middle east, a little kid was running shouting – the circus is coming…the circus is coming!!! I am not sure if the enemy is crossing the borders right now, not sure if I was ready to cross the borders of my fears, but no one ever asked me, not even me. 

Michelle was singing the songs of her heart, I looked at the carpet and found a memory covered with dust. There she was an uninvited guest, a memory in yet another heavy suitcase, oh the dancing lessons of my life - twisting and turning my head - one step forward one step back, forgive me tonight like no other night as I was learning to be myself beside you there’s no other wise I would have stayed in you mother ship, come home dressed, undressing my understanding.

Born to love the country, someone just dug the trenches, I came home and cleaned my red army boots, I ironed the irony of the olive uniforms, just in case…just in case, where ever I go this summer, I am taking you with me, I promise to return in the winter, a person of summer on a rainy day.

Michelle Citrin, a friend, performed last night at the Tuzman club in Lilenblom 25, Tel-Aviv, I don’t know much about music, but I tend to think I know a thing or two about matters of the heart, not knowing + matters of the heart = Love. Listen to Michelle, she’ll give you love, she’ll make you smile, listen just listen, listen to her heart.